Chapter 1: Considerations for a home death
The promise to stay at home
Maybe there was a terrible, internal battle going on – one part wanting to call it quits and another part, terrified of what that meant, saying “NO!”
If you have promised a family member that you will help them die at home, you may feel anguish at the thought of breaking that promise if things become too challenging or exhausting. If possible, try to remember what you were trying to achieve through the promise. What was the spirit or intent of the commitment? It may be possible to achieve the spirit of the commitment away from the home environment.
Families often experience mixed emotions about a death at home if the person they are caring for becomes unconscious.
Click below to read more about some of the reasons caregivers and families feel these mixed emotions.
Sometimes family members find that much of their energy and inspiration for caring for someone at home comes from the meaningful two-way connection that exists at such an important time. They may feel drained of this energy when loss of consciousness means the loss of two-way feedback. Families may find that they are ready to stop being the primary caregivers at this point.
In other cases, family and friends find that the work of grief begins when the person becomes unconscious. They may feel overwhelmed and feel ready to move the person into a care facility.
Sometimes families in these situations continue to provide caregiving at home even though they would prefer to move the person into a hospital or another facility. Very often they stay because they have promised a home death.
What may help
If you find yourself having trouble deciding what to do, imagine the person with the illness could come in and see the situation. If you think that person would say “This is too hard for you. I don’t want to be such a burden on my family,” then in a sense, you’ve been given permission to do what’s best for the entire family, whatever that may be.
